I suppose it must be tiring to live with someone who has autism. Especially younger children, and especially the more severe it is. You never know what’s going to cause a meltdown, and getting upset at the child having the meltdown only makes things worse. You have to step back, let things calm down, and then try to guild the child toward calmer responses to things. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, and you hope eventually the meltdowns will stop.
I do understand the feeling, even if everything is in many ways in reverse for me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I’m always afraid I’m going to say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.
For example, it can be hard to have a discussion, let alone an argument, when you have short term memory problems. You know you heard the person say something that led to you having a particular response, but you don’t get what they said exactly right, and then they rightly are upset that you got what they said wrong. But you don’t mean to get them wrong. Worse, in any sort of discussion that is even a little heated, it can get confusing and you start hedging and trying to find your words, and while you’re trying to find your words, the other person is still going.
Now imagine you have a history of people misunderstanding you, taking what you say and do wrong, because they are interpreting all your behaviors as being neurotypical, even when they ought to know better (because most of our interactions are driven by unconscious assumptions, you cannot actually expect people to ever be consistent in their treatment of and assumptions about you). You go through life always wondering if you’re saying the right things and doing the right things, and you can never be yourself, and you have to always adjust your thinking and your behavior to everyone else. Talk about walking on eggshells! It’s no wonder we on the spectrum are full of anxiety all the time.
So I can understand why parents of autistic children, why those with autistic spouses, might feel they are always walking on eggshells. I really can. And I’m sure, given that Daniel seems to hold things together pretty well at school, that he understands to a great degree as well. After all, he has to constantly adjust his behaviors to everyone else’s expectations. It’s our jobs as parents to help our autistic children to be able to do that by helping them come up with coping mechanisms better than getting upset–even if there is a great deal to get upset about in the world.