I keep coming across this connection between autism and an increased likelihood of being LGBTQ, but I haven’t written about it until now because, well, it hasn’t been personalized yet. My wife has a gay best friend–they have been friends since they were 14–but he’s not autistic. I always figured that homosexuality didn’t bother me in the least because I was so secure in my own heterosexuality. Which, again, points to why I haven’t really written about this issue. With a few exceptions, such as here.
Yet, it would be a dereliction of my duty as a blogger of all things autism if I were to leave it aside. Thus, I refer you to this article: Dual Spectrums. It’s worth a read, because it discusses the very high correlation between autism and fluid gender and sexuality.
I believe that one of the traits of autism involves a failure to “see”hierarchies and boundaries in the world. For the same reasons I tend to treat the CEO and the custodian the same and for the same reasons I’m a polymath, there are those for whom the boundaries of gender and/or sexuality have dissolved. I have argued that autistics tend not to be racist, and this tendency is also related, I think.
It also may simply be that we are oblivious to social pressures and are thus free to be ourselves, more or less.
Of course, we are looking for a single reason, we’re almost certainly going to be wrong.
There have been several times where I have noticed that children with high-functioning autism have a difficult time stopping what they are doing when someone withdraws their consent.
Let’s say that an autistic child is playing around with another child. Let’s say they are wrestling around, and the autistic child is on top of the other child, and the other child is yelling for him to get off. I have noticed that it usually requires a third party to get the autistic child to stop what they are doing, or for the other child to actually resort to physically pushing him off or even hitting him to get him to stop.
After noticing it in other autistic children, I noticed it in my own son. Daniel doesn’t know when to take “No” for an answer, that when people tell him to stop doing something, he should stop doing it. He doesn’t seem to hear the person refusing or withdrawing their consent. As a consequence, I have been making a particular effort to help him understand that you always need the other person’s consent if you’re going to do something with them. This may include something as simple as having a conversation, but it may involve play as well. And, when he gets much older, it will definitely have to include sex, to say the least. The last thing anyone wants is for their child to make that mistake.
The good news is that after only two weeks of talking to Daniel about consent and not continuing to do things after he was asked to stop doing them, this morning on the drive to school his sister asked him to stop making some noise he was making, and he actually stopped, saying, “OK. I’ll stop.” I immediately thanked him for doing so.
When I was a child, my mother would often accuse me of being “argumentative and aggravative.” I think to a great extent those two tendencies–which I have found to be not uncommon among autistics–are part of that issue of consent. Someone who is aggravating another is continuing to do what they are doing beyond the point where the person has asked the person to stop. The one doing the aggravating may not stop because they are trying to annoy the other on purpose, or they may not stop because the request just isn’t registering properly. If it’s the latter case, you can teach the person that when people ask you to stop, the rule is that you stop.
There are perhaps few lessons as important as this one to teach, whether your child is autistic or not.