Bullying or Joking Around?

Today my wife went to The Warren Center to attend a presentation on bullying and special needs children. The presenter suggested that we encourage Daniel to engage in self-advocacy, that we perhaps should have his teacher discuss with the class the fact that Daniel has autism and what that means–if Daniel agreed to it (which he has), and that we role-play certain scenarios.

We decided to try a role-playing scenario. Anna pretended to be a mean girl insulting our daughter, Melina; then, I pretended to be Melina’s friend just joking around.

Anna: Oh, hi, Melina. Wearing those glasses you look like a real nerd.

Me: Was that mean, or just joking around?

Daniel: It was mean.

So far, so good. I then went.

Me, in a playful voice: Hey, nerd! What’s up?

Anna: Was that mean, or just joking around?

Daniel: It was mean.

There’s little question that anyone not autistic would have very easily picked up that I was joking. If you’re an autistic adult, you would probably even pick up on it from the umpteen times you’ve seen people interacting just that way and having a laugh about it. But Daniel just turned 9, and he’s still learning.

The problem is that we cannot trust Daniel’s judgment on whether or not he’s being bullied. He’s saying his friends are being mean to him, but it’s not impossible that his friends (assuming for a minute he’s making the right judgment that they are in fact his friends) are just joking around with him and he’s misunderstanding the social situation. He also wants to be loyal to his friends, so he is loathe to mention anything negative about them. He doesn’t want to lose the friends he has, regardless of how they may (or may not) be treating him.

Hopefully, if and when his classmates are given the presentation about Daniel’s autism that the bullying will stop. We’ll probably have to have them address the issue of Daniel’s difficulty understanding playful banter among friends, where you insult each other to show camaraderie, precisely because Daniel doesn’t understand it and may be mistaking it for being mean.

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Time to Write

While I was doing pretty good keeping up with this blog since I started it, the fact of the matter is that I have been writing less and less and less recently. The reason isn’t that I don’t want to write nearly as much. Quite the contrary. The reason is that I’ve been very busy teaching of late.

I have been working as a substitute teacher this past school year. Through most of the year, I was subbing at high schools, about half in regular classes and half in special education classes. This was very low-demand overall for me. I could mostly sit and read, sit and write, and if I wrote anything that I could use for this blog, I’d transcribe it later.

However, since February, I have been working exclusively at a school in their BSC as an emergency sub. Becoming essentially a full time faculty member really changed the dynamics such that it became more difficult to work on things like my book or my blog. I have gotten some reading done, and I have written a few poems, but those were about the only things I could really work on given the time demands during the day.

Of course, when I get home, I have my wife and three children, with whom I get to spend some time between making dinner and doing freelance writing work. I have tried to do more and more freelance writing work precisely because of the difficulties I have had getting a full time job. At the same time, I am hoping my success will result in something full time there.

In any case, the summer is almost upon us, meaning summer break. For a sub, bad for the checkbook, but more time at least. I’ll be spending as much of my time as possible doing freelance writing work, of course, but I am also hopeful that I will be able to return to my novel and, of course, this blog on a more regular basis.

Processing New Information, Daniel-Style

Daniel’s on a roll.

Just now:

Daniel: What’s a step-brother?

Anna: Well, if I got married to someone else, and he had a little boy, that little boy would be your step-brother.

Daniel: You can marry other humans?!? That’s cool. I want a bigger family.

_____________________________________________

Earlier today:

Daniel: I’m going to make a Bible. I’m going to draw the story of Adam and Eve, who were made with the Earth back when God was alive.

Me: Oh, that sound interesting.

Daniel: When’s the Earth’s birthday? How old is the Earth?

Me: The Earth is 4 and a half billion years old.

Daniel: 4 and a half? That’s old!

 

Food

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with an autistic child whose child wasn’t picky when it comes to food. In that sense, we’re somewhat lucky in that Daniel isn’t all that picky. In fact, our 11 -year-old daughter is the pickiest one. It’s for her that we have to often make “other meals” than the main one.

That being said, there are two people in this household who are gluten-free, and it’s the two who have been diagnosed ASD–Daniel and me. We are gluten-free because anything with wheat in it causes us to get severe stomach aches, and has more than once caused Daniel to throw up (usually, it’s a combination of birthday cake and driving home from the birthday party). Daniel won’t even ask for cake anyplace else any more.

There’s also some Type-2 diabetes in the house, so there’s an increasing avoidance of anything with carbs.

But we can’t just get rid of carbs, because our daughter won’t eat anything except bread, tortillas, spaghetti, butter, cheese, milk, cereal, bacon, fried eggs, or pepperoni pizza (how is the taste of everything else too strong, but not pepperonis, which she’ll eat plain?). If we got rid of carbs, she’d starve.

To round things out, Dylan will at least eat almost anything.

Most of my pickiness comes out of certain textures being “wrong.” And Daniel seems to go back and forth on some things, like fried eggs. I made him over-easy eggs, but he wouldn’t eat the yolks. So I started making him fried egg whites. Then he said he didn’t want, “baby eggs,” meaning he wanted yolks. He ate over-easy eggs with yolks for a few weeks, but this past weekend he ate only the whites again. My guess is he’s torn between the slimy yolk texture and the desire to not be eating “baby eggs.”

I also have to make two batches of chili, one with all the vegetables, one with just meat and beans. Melina won’t eat any chili, of course, but the boys will. And the boys will eat things that are hot and spicy, but complain if there are too many things like onions, chunks of peppers, or spinach/chard. Of course, part of this is simply that children simply refuse to eat their vegetables.

Our pickiest eater, though, is one who hasn’t been diagnosed with autism. She does have the pickiness and the clothes sensitivities (and fashion sense) that typically comes with autism, though. At least she doesn’t have the wheat allergy, though, or I don’t know what that girl would eat. As it is, with pickiness, gluten-free, and diabetes (and I have slightly low blood sugar, so I have to have carbs), I’m practically a short order cook when it comes to dinner. Doesn’t everyone make 3-4 different meals at dinner time?

Troy’s Top 10 Causes of Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the main features of autism. If you’re on the spectrum, you have anxiety. But of course, we don’t all have the same sources of anxiety. Here are my top 10 (insofar as they were ten I could think of).

  1. Heavy Traffic — Actually, any traffic. I’m pretty sure I ought to be the only one on the road, ever.
  2. Not being able to say what I need to say before I forget it.
  3. Saying the “wrong” thing. “Wrong” of course being whatever is socially acceptable to the neurotypical majority of that culture.
  4. Doing the “wrong” thing. Similarly, “wrong” being whatever is socially acceptable to the neurotypical majority of that culture–not to be confused with “moral,” as autistics rarely have any problem with that.
  5. Not working–The brain is too busy to not be doing something, be it reading, writing, or something, anything.
  6. Working too hard at work to avoid upsetting people.
  7. People being factually wrong.
  8. People getting upset with me. I know I’m going to do something wrong without knowing why it’s wrong or that it’s wrong, and I’m anxious someone is going to get onto me about it, and I won’t know why they’re upset at me.
  9. Not being able to write down an idea before I forget it.
  10. Not having my expectations met. Especially someone promising to do something and then not following through. I keep expecting people to do precisely what they say they’re going to do, and I keep getting disappointed, and that creates anxiety when there’s no follow-through.

That is my top 10. What’s your top 10? Or, if your child or spouse is on the spectrum, what is theirs?